“The Pun also Rises.”

Today's Tids Issue 4,097

For chuckling through the Chaos:

Last night was a dinner I always look forward too – Post Annual Medical Physical Jubilation. I eat a gravy laden, high carb, scrumptious meal of whatever I want with unrestrained glee, knowing I have a year to get back into shape for my next doctor probing. Yum.

I really like waking up happy. Like, who doesn’t. But the first thing I heard this morning at about 5AM was that the market could easily open 400 points lower. At 13 minutes after the opening, it was down 448 Points. Ouch! I may have to start charging for the Tids.

I think we’re in for a little volatility.

Winning the Master’s “Green Jacket” may not be all glory and roses – considering that the winners have to stay fit throughout aging so as not to look bad at the annual Champions dinner. Oops, there goes another button.

Television is called a medium because it is rarely well done.

And, there just isn’t a movie in a theater tempting me to come in and buy a giant bag of buttered popcorn and enjoy an uncluttered two hours.

The Question:

Here’s an easy one – Who was the first American President to die I office?

The Headlines:

--China Retaliates With $50 billion In Tariffs; Up To 25% To Be charged On Products Like Soy Beans, Planes And Automobiles; Trains Not Included.

--Market Comes Off Lows As Day Moves Forward.

--Markets Expected To Have A Bad Day After China Action; US Creates 241,000 Jobs In March.

--Zuckerberg To Testify Before Congress.

--Trump Mulling Sending National Guard To Mexico Border.

What gets scarier and scarier is that too many people seem ok with throwing the constitution to he winds, just as so many have done with the basic tenets of the Ten Commandments. The new rule of human living -- Do unto you and forget unto others. Or -- Who cares about laws, we’ll just do what we want.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Here’s a classic example of exaggerated news misinterpreted. The leader of that so-called caravan of USA freebie seekers told her huddled masses that Trump was going to drop a nuclear bomb on them! The newspaper reports had said Trump was considering the “Nuclear Option”, which as you know is a congressional action that changes the voting rules to accomplish something previously blocked by a minority party – i.e., passage of a law would merely need 51 votes versus 60.

This is one good reason why immigrants should learn English – so we can accurately communicate with each other.

What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? A hippo is really heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.

A colorful reader who also just happened to have written the definitive book on the Boston Celtic’s great Red Auerbach, sends in this Tom Dewey anecdote: On the morning of the 1948 election day, Dewey asked his wife: “How will it feel tomorrow night sleeping with the President of the United Sates. The day after the election, Dewey was sitting in his study when his wife walked in and asked, “Now Tom, is Harry coming here or am I flying to Washington.” Ba-da-bing!

I remember once years ago walking out of a building where worked on Wall Street. The shoeshine guy on my right looked at me and said, “Hi Gov’na”. I smiled and waved back, “How you doin’ yourself” Then I looked to my left and saw I was walking next to Tom Dewey – ex-Governor of NY.

Personally, I believe the US functions better when it is harder to pass laws

Wall Street analyst Sam Stovall believes today’s China Action is not a severe threat; that in reality the US is in the Midst of a necessary correction requiring stock holders to loosen their grasp on overvalued stocks to allow the market to find more realistic levels. It’s time to step back and look at fundamentals once again.

One thing that may keep the markets healthy, stable in this relatively strong economic era, is the gigantic amount of money in the hands of investors looking for a place to land.

Did you see where the You Tube shooter Nassim Aghdam was a Vegan activist, upset after the internet company blocked some of her more disturbing videos. If every once in a while, she had gotten a little magical orange dust on her finger tips, she may not have been so uptight.

While we see billionaires born a regular basis, many of those start-ups sink too. The refinancing of those depressed companies has generated an new class of investors – “Vulture Capitalists”.

Hillary supporter Alan Dershowitz says that if Mueller charges Trump with collusion, he would be inventing a crime that does not exist in US Federal statute. It gets weirder and weirder.

The various communication sites on the internet have made people around the world think that they actually live someplace where they are not. People from anywhere can easily traipse though mountains and plains of the US, the teaming cities by the ocean wide. This tendency of freedom of passage maybe one of the drives behind groups espousing borderless countries.

One of my most knowledgeable readers with inexhaustible data at the fingertips of his bounteous mind, wrote yesterday to inform me that I missed the boat on my USPS rant. He tells me that the reason the Post Office is in deep trouble is because when the service became quasi-public, an agreement was made that the USPS would have to “pre-fund 100% of every employee’s final retirement.”  Without that albatross, the USPS would be quite competitive and also very profitable. Sorry for leading you astray.

(Thanks to the “World Laughter Tour” for a few of the puns)

The Answer:

Some thought Calvin Coolidge looked dead at times, and unfortunately others today hope for misfortune to strike at the current President of the United States, but the answer is William Harrison, who lasted but a month. You knew that.

It’s comforting to feel the security of a little foggy mounting. I’m not terribly interested much in seeing too far out. Just a little shrouded nest near a rippling sea on a quiet shore. Where I can remember funny, simple things, and laugh a bit.

Whoever invented knock-knock jokes, deserves a no bell prize.