Wouldn’t be great if Steven Wright was writing the Tids.

Today's Tids Issue 3,157

Opening Stuff:

 

Fresh off of getting lighter sentences for drug users, the US Sentencing Commission (The Federal Panel that sets sentencing guidelines) wants to now reduce sentences for crimes involving money. Now, I can agree that while drug users who break laws are typically not hurting anybody else (Except being the sole market for vicious, inhumane drug dealers), money crime is very harmful to often thousands of innocents. Embezzlers, swindlers and Wall Street crooks and investment manipulators can literally steal the lives of millions with a single nefarious stroke. Au Contraire, I think the sentences of these scoundrels should be lengthened. In fact, I would do away with these so-called giant fines and make stiff jail time the primary penalty for all financial fund finaglers, and thus a threat to those who at the top of this fraudulent food chain can stop the nonsense. Trust, after all, is the essence of an orderly, fair society.

 

Dennis Miller is amazing with words. Last night he described his friend, the frenetic Robin Williams, as being “Just ahead of the synaptic posse”.

 

Now that marijuana is being legalized on a regular basis, what will drug sniffing dogs do? Maybe they’ll be sold as pets for professional party crashers.

 

The Question:

Name five Steve Martin Movies.

 

The Headlines:

--Mobs Clash Again With Police After New Shooting In Ferguson Mo.

--New Hope Rises For Egypt Bartered Israel-Gaza Peace

--White House, State Department In The dark Over Pentagon’s Shipments Of Ammo To Israel; Netanyahu Has “Pushed The Administration Aside”;US No Longer Peace mediator As In Pass.

--Death Toll In Ukraine Border War Up To 2,000; Separatists Weakening.

--UN Declares Humanitarian Emergency In Iraq; Obama Still Weighing Options For Rescue Plan.

--Wal-Mart Warns, Kohls Smiles In Latest Financial reports; Nervous Investors Still Have Bull Tendencies.

--New Jobless Claims Hovering Around Pre-Recession Levels; Expected To Show Increase In This Morn’s Report; Cisco Cutting 6,000 Jobs..

 

We are building a caste system in America  -- The self proclaimed, fit, healthy eaters…organic poets,  and everybody else.

 

Why can’t we have more Senators like Joe Manchen, a guy who seems to look at problems and opportunities with a quite sensible, often apolitical view?  Maybe it’s because he’s experienced a world outside of bureaucrats. I have reliable sources who say he is learning that logic and rational thinking does not do well in Washington. Why are so many good and rational  people frustrated by the way the government runs?

 

This is La-La time in the stock market as the pros soak up the last remaining rays of summer lolling on a private beach. The market is stumbling along testing new technical lows and producing momentary excitement with unsustainable market surges. Companies are showing signs of cutting back to beef up Q3 financial reports. There is less cash available as the effects of the diminished Fed feeding take effect. But then, it’s La La time, and who can really tell what is actually happening.

 

Mid Long Island NY had the most rain in one day in their history, 13.5 inches. That would be 135 inches (11.25 feet) of snow at its fluffiest! Just an average winter’s day in the Rockies.

 

I have finally figured out why states have Poet’s Laureate – they write the ditties on those electric highway signs. “Read our signs or you’ll get fines.” “Click it or ticket”. “Get away from the bunch or you’ll hear crunch”. “Text while you drive, and you won’t be alive”. I wonder if Maya Angelou started as a state Poet Laureate.

 

Now that the key is sticky, I’m realiing how much I actually use the letter “”. It’s amaing. What letter is it?

 

The Answer:

Martin is another of those truly inventive funny guys who didn’t necessarily need the “F” word to get a laugh, (Although it’s a tried and true way to stimulate a laugh from a drunk sleeping in a comedy club). He wrote many of his films. Some of his best known are The Jerk, Planes, Trains & Automobiles (Those aren’t pillows!), Parenthood, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid, Pennies From Heaven, Roxanne, My Blue heaven, Father of the Bride and Little Shop Of Horrors. I tend to smile thinking back as I typed.

 

 

“I love a good comedian, Jonathon Winters, Steven Wright, Robin Williams…Barack Obama asking for a second term.”

 

I learning restraint. Yesterday after 6 or so days of perfect, mild sunny weather, it rained pretty steadily. At a restaurant last night, a waitress came up, looked out side and said, “Oh, sun, I’m so tired of rain.” I held my breath and didn’t say anything sarcastic. She turned out to be a better waitress than optimist.

 

Some think reading the Tids is a good drug for catching the Zzzzzzzzzz’s, unless the keys are sticky.