Tids Pulitzer...your leg.

Today's Tids Issue 2,100
Opening Stuff:

The IRS has sent a cease and desist order to the Tids management. It appears under the new “Value for Estimating Taxation System” (where the government will now tax products based on their perceived value instead of actual sales) The Tids has been levied based on a value of $247,065,190. The Tid s Treasurer said in a terse statement, “Impossible”. The Tids will be forced to shut down.

On a lighter note, the Easter Bunny was seen talking to Tiger Woods looking for tips. Apparently the rabbit wants to turn into a tiger, and the tiger wants to continue to progress as a rabbit.

The Question:
Which of The headlines below are True?

The Headlines:
--Obama Announces Off Shore Oil Drilling; Says He Has Pact With Hugo Chavez Citgo Comp=ant To Manage Oil Production.
--Scientist Are Saying Toads Are Best Predictor Of Earthquakes.
--RI’s Senator Reed To Step Down; Long Time Senator Admits He Cannot Operate Without Lynch Pulling The Strings.
--Photos Of Woods And Pelosi Discovered; Golf Says He Wanted To Do Something really Weird.
--Large Snow Storms Battering Scotland And Wales.
--US Funding Allies In Afghan War; Program Will Ensure Longer Periods Of Cooperation.
--I-95 To Remained Closed for Third Day.
--Pope To Announce End Of Celibacy.
--Easter Bunny Sees Shadow; Snow Forecast for May.
--Laughter In Rats Produces Chemical That Eases Depression.

Back to More Lies:

These floods here are reminiscent of the Noah story. Unfortunately all of the companies that might have been here at one time to build arks have been forced out by the state legislature to find friendlier states.

The Greek bond issued last week as part of program to refinance the terminally ill country is already being discounted. Investors look at the inability of the Civil Service Unions to acknowledge the problem and worry that there is no hope, or at best little chance for Greece. And, when you think about it that is exactly the same problem we have in RI.

I’m already trying to understand what my life will be like next year when “24” fails to show.

American Idol needs to stop the bleeding of female singers. Earlier, this looked like the year that the women would dominate, but somehow many very weak male performances seem to go unnoticed. I just gotta figure that more women/girls are voting and they are voting for the men of their dreams. Last night would again have been a good time to get rid of Tim who just basically annoys me. Didi may have had a bad Tuesday, but Aaron was certainly worse. Next week is McCartney/Lennon week, a week that the singers traditionally butcher.

You know you should start worrying about your mechanic when you bring in a smoking car and he applies a nicotine patch.

New discoveries in Syrian ruins show that Moses ended his 40 days and 40 nights in the desert when his wife knocked on a sheepherder’s door to ask directions.

It used to be Holy Saturday. Now it’s iPad availability day! Talk about Golden Calves. Where is the good bolt of lightning when you need it?

Through the Same Eyes: Chapter 64. –I lay there with my eyes wide open. Paul and I had a wonderfully frank talk. But, I became concerned as I listened that while he may have believed that Kent and My detective spree was just an innocent coincidence, there was something that told me I’d be watched. I wasn’t nervous or apprehensive though. I was my normally cool self; that self that had helped climb over corporate bodies to the top. I slowly slipped out of the blankets and went quietly into Jax’s room. I quickly located his Swiss Army Knife. Back at my bed, I looked down at the innocent sleeping Paul. He was a good man. I opened the sharpest blade. I only paused a moment. Quickly I drew the blade across his throat. Almost immediately blood began to seep until the arced cut looked like a big red smiley face. His eyes popped open, panicked. He stared at me. But he couldn’t talk. I smiled softly from my heart that once was his and just said, “Sorry Paul. Then I turned, wiped the blade on my nightgown, folded it back in and returned it to Jax’s dresser. I said bye Jax. Then I went in and said the same to Jill. I changed into my jeans, went down and stuck a match. I lit the drapes in all of the rooms. This old colonial would go up like a tinderbox. Nobody would believe that I could do this to my family. I wonder if Kent still loves me. He’d better.

There is nothing April foolish about the tragic murder of the Arizona rancher. His grieving wife two years earlier had written to the US government about the nearly $6 million in damages from illegal border crossings. And the family’s growing fear of out of control illegal immigrants using their land. Of the drug trade that was being operated on their lands. Washington tries to theorize about illegal immigrants, but to people, Americans, living near the boarders it is not theoretical, a classroom exercise. It is a daily life of fear and the unknown. Why does it take a tragedy to wake up the theorists? Our elected clowns couldn’t reform HC. Why would we think they would be any better with law breaking Mexicans?

The Answer:
The true headlines are “Laughter in Rats”, “Snowstorms in Scotland”, “Toads and Earthquakes”, US Paying Allies to fight and “I-95 Remaining closed”

The Big Cream Pie:

It must be a fun day for scientists working in labs full of laughing rats. Do they lie on their backs and guffaw? Do tears come to their eyes?” Or do they just chuckle a bit? Do they throw cream pies at each other? Or do they just tell one liners.

Actually we do have laughing weasels. Those people in Congress laughing at the taxpayer as they do it their way.

I love April Fools Tids when I can just make things up. Oh, wait a minute, I do that every day. Just ask a Democrat.