Where is Sylvester when you need him?

Today's Tids Issue 4,330

Ha Ha... Hee Hee Hee...Ha:

There is nothing in summer that can match the sounds of winter –like skis slicing through hard pack; the scraping of edges into controlled turns; dusty snow flying into eyes. The creaking of wheels against cables hauling the chairs through snowy pines. I look at a ski area under a blanket of white; my mind enters into the peace. I feel the wind and hear the sounds.

Hot stove baseball talk is burning already, and it sounds great.

I had one of my favorite meals of the year yesterday and it wasn’t in a fancy, expensive restaurant. It was in a comfortable place where they know how to cook lobster perfectly in many ways; and make great French fries. To me, simple done well is 5 stars every time.

They postponed Cohen’s sentencing for several weeks. I wonder what that’s all about? It doesn’t sound particularly good for his old boss. Nothing about Cohen sounds good for his boss.

“You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we have no idea where she is.” 

--George Carlin

The Question:

Name the Top 10 Standup comedians of all time.

The Headlines:

--US And China Outline Deal to End Trade War; Stock futures Lower.

--Pope Calls For New, Concrete Measures Against Clerical Sexual Abuse.

--SC Rules For Constitution Ban On Excessive Central Gov Fines and Limits State Power In Civil Forfeitures.

--Putin Says That If USA Wants Another “Cuba” Crisis He Is Ready For It.

--View From Europe: Brexit Is Like Watching A Car Crash In Slow Motion.

--Netanyahu Challengers Join Forces Against Incumbent.

--Mueller Report Expected Out Soon; Trump Names Jeffery Rosen Deputy AG.

--Former FBI General Counsel James Baker Says Hillary Should Have Been Prosecuted Over Emails.

--Techies Eagerly Awaiting Galaxy Fold, Even At High price Of $2K.

--Smollett Turns Himself I to Chicago Police

Bias breeds jumping to conclusions. Jumping to conclusions breeds animosity. Twitter breeds animosity exponentially. To this naïve observer, twitter is one reason why the USA will never be again what it was.

Remember when we all rooted against Sylvester getting our beloved Tweety bird. Now, Sylvester could be our only hope for a return to communications sanity.

“Is Handicap parking at the Special Olympics still just two spaces?” –Jerry Seinfeld.

Uber has become the generic description of ride sharing. But, Lyft has won the race to the IPO finish line. Actually, I need a lift, sounds more generic to me. Where are the Trade mark lawyers when you need them.

Unfortunately, I tend at times to dismiss the intelligence and creativity of younger generations who when you get past the national hyperbole, just want what any reasonable culture wants -- society teat is free of chaos and full of honesty. Misconceptions arise from the hyperinflation of small noisy groups.

The editorial board of this morning mess has always held to the precept that when cities, towns and states take things from the big Government they are beholden to the big government That’s why I don’t like the idea of nationalizing anything, like education for instance, where local control is lost to unknowing, statistically driven bureaucrats. Today, California is learning that lesson

BTW, I was really happy to see yesterday that the Supreme Court unanimously come out against excessive federal fines against local entities and states, and limiting police powers to seize private property, both of which could be used by a central gov as political weapons against locals.

I keep on seeing these little orange footprints around my house. It appears mice have broken into my Cheetos stash.

Jessie Smollett has a history of turning himself into people he isn’t. This morning he turned himself into the Chicago Police. Brilliant.

A week ago I said that the only thing we know for sure about the Trump emergency order is that democrats will use it as a precedent for every scheme they can think of into emergencies. They are already saying it about Climate, Education Loans and other pet programs.

“With my dog I get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He doesn’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”  --Rodney Dangerfield.

Uber Eats has been great for the McDonalds corporate revenue. But the poor franchisee is paying for all of that corporate glory. In a deal from the top, Uber gets 20% of the order’s cost to deliver. Unfortunately, that 20% is off the razor thin bottom lines of local store owners. Thanks for nothing.

A funny thing happens when you leave a sentence open for interpretation. On my Sylvester note above, a large percentage will say, it’s about time we stopped Trump. And maybe even more will say, Inane tweeting is killing America and it has to stop.

“Everything is within walking distance if you have the time” – Steven Wright

Smollett’s action could have caused rioting in the streets and innocent people being sent to prison. It was not an innocent prank. Spare me the tears for Jessie.

The Answer:

#1, and I could agree with this, is George Carlin. (I had tickets to see him live the day he showed up dead.) Next on the list is Richard Pryor followed by Robin Williams, Lenny Bruce, Bill Cosby, Jerry Seinfeld, Don Rickles, Bob Newhart (His “Buttoned Down Mind Album went to #1 knocking off Elvis!), Johnny Carson and #10 Chris Rock. The next ten are Steven Wright, Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy, Woody Allen (Yes, he was one of the funniest), the craziest - Jonathon Winters, David Letterman, Joan Rivers, Louis CK, Rodney Dangerfield and Bob Hope. Rounding out this list of the top 25 is Jay Leno, Bill Hicks, Mitch Hedberg, Sam Kinison and David Chappelle.

I have had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware. –Joan Rivers

Bob Newhart says that “The greatest comedian he has ever seen is Jack Benny. He wasn’t afraid the silences”. Thanks Bob, with that, I feel better about the list of 25.