Today's Tids Issue 5,308
A groan can be punitive:
I wish tree puns were more poplar. Yes it is,… Pun Hump-day.
Spell-Check just hates puns. I mean puns really befuddle its artificial intelligence.
China is racing to build up their Nuke storehouse. In fact, say US experts, they are doing it much faster than originally predicted by China watchers. But the reality is that we have 3,750 nuke warheads and at their new pace they are expected to have 1,500 by 2035. But it only takes one good shot to wipe out an American city.
Another key to a happy life is adaptability, controlling the inevitable to your advantage.
The Question:
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? Bonus. The fattest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. How did he get so large? Extra Bonus: What did the guy think when he saw an ad for burial plots? Super Bonus: What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
The Headlines:
--S&P, Dow Down. Nasdaq Up; Concerns Over China Protests Abate; WS Holding Breath Awaiting Powell Speech Today.
--Killer Storms Rip Through Southeast US.
--Decisions On Rail Strike Becoming More Urgent in Congress as Deadline Approaches.
--Elmer Russell Rhodes III, Leader Of “Oath Keepers” Found Gulty of Sedition, Conspiracy and More.
--South Korea Scrambles Jets as China, Russia Warplanes Enter Their War Defense Zone.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. That is one of my all-time favorite Puns. I don’t know why. Maybe I find it cherry!
I was at a popular big store yesterday, IKEA. It wasn’t crowded at all. But the day before on Cyber Monday a new all-time sales record was set. Personally, for the few things I buy y during the year, I much prefer going to a store. I would never order stuff online to just to try on and send back, because I consider it wasteful.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
Massachusetts is seriously thinking of lowering the voting age to 16. I would vote against it simply on the basis of the kind of music kids think is good.
The Whole Foods company has stopped selling Maine Lobsters in hundreds of stores due to an emotional outburst by a couple of save the whale y type watch dog organizations, saying that Maine Lobstering is killing the highly endangered Right Whale. Of course, Lobsterin’ in Maine is big Jobs industry. In a statement the key Maine fisheries organization said, “There has never been a right whale death attributed to Maine lobster gear; Maine lobstermen have a 150-year history of sustainability; and Maine’s lobstering community has consistently demonstrated their commitment to protecting right whales,” it continued. “Despite this, the Marine Stewardship Council, with retailers following suit, wrongly and blindly decided to follow the recommendations of misguided environmental groups rather than science.”
I called the dentist's office this morning and made the receptionist LOL. It felt good.
I may start a business of thinking up weird class action suit ideas. I think I could make a lot of money. You'll always get something just because Companies like settle. The latest whacky Idea is from the Florida woman who sued Kraft-Heinz over her microwave mac and cheese problem saying it took longer than 3 ½ minutes as stated in the advertising. God help us all. What ever happened to American resourcefulness, can do spirit?
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
The vicious cycle we have this week is the Dems uncharacteristically against the Unions save the economy. It appears the economy may come out on top. Which in the long run is a win for the unions.
The Answer:
Sir Cumference ate too much Pi. Bonus: He was called a “Father-in-law”. Extra Bonus: The man who saw the ad for burial plots thought, “That's the last thing I need”. Super Bonus: The difference is, A tire.
This is an entry from a contest to determine the funniest pun in the world:
“Two fishermen were in a boat by the lake, when one of them stood to catch a fish in a net. As he scooped up the carp, his wallet fell out of his back pocket. As the seemingly doomed billfold started to sink to the lake bottom, the carp slipped out of the net and swam after it, re-emerging with it on his nose.
However, instead of returning it, he tossed it to one of his fish buddies, who balanced it on his nose. More of more of fish-buddies emerged from the water, and all of them played this strange game of keep-away with the man's billfold.
The first man watched, slackjawed. He said to the other "Have you ever seen anything like this before?"
The second man answered "Sure I have. Haven't you heard of carp-to-carp walleting?"
I’ll try to regain my sanity for tomorrow.
