Writing the Tids isn’t an athletic event*.

Today's Tids Issue 2,217
Opening Stuff:

The danger of the Internet has never been more apparent than it is with this case of the nutty preacher in Florida. Terry Jones and his congregation of 36 want to burn Korans and Muslims in tents in the desert know about it. Of course the overabundant US media fans the flames by turning this small isolated act of lunacy in out of the way US town into an international event. The minister may be a nutcase, but the media is just plain stupid. And…this morning because of the publicity another church in Kansas as announced their intention to burn Muslim bibles too.

There is nothing better than Chopmist Charlie’s Chocolate Lava Cake ala Mode! Too bad I don’t eat sweets any more.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention are aghast at new data saying that fewer than 26% of Americans eat vegetables three times a day. I was amazed that anybody would eat vegetables 3 times a day. That is, until I learned that by a wide margin American’s favorite vegetable is the potato! Which changes the scenario greatly – hash browns for breakfast, French fries for lunch and potatoes au gratin for dinner. And…a bag of potato chips before bedtime. Yup, I could be a vegan.

The Question:
I was wondering why the network didn’t kick off the season with a game between the NE patriots and Buffalo Bills – in commemoration of the 50th anniversary of the first game played in the American Football Conference. In addition to Buffalo and NE (Boston Patriots then) name the other six original teams. Which three teams came over from the NFL when the two teams merged?

The Headlines:

--Insurance Companies Says New Health Care Plan Is Forcing Them To Raise Rates; 1%-9% Increases Expected To Cover Cost Of Extra Benefits Required Under The Law..
--Huge Blast South Of San Fran Consumes 53 Homes; Broken Gas Main Sends Flames Through Neighborhood.
--Colorado Fire Fighters Hoping Fire That Destroyed 170 Homes In Boulder Is Under Control.
--Wall Street Expected To Open Higher.
--Sarah Shourd, One Of Three Students Held In Iran, To Be Released.
--11 Afghans Injured In Anti-Koran Burning Protest; Florida Minister Now Says Imam Lied To Him.
--So Far, Americans Less Than Enthusiastic About 3D TV.
--Michelle Obama Holds First Every Dance-athon In White House East Room; Jetes, Pirouettes, Gravity Defying Leaps, Bumps And Grinds Blur Historic Stately Image Of Room Used For Treaty Signings.
--Disgruntled Female Worker Kills Two At Kraft Cookie Plant In Philly.

Back to More Stuff:
Why doctors don’t like me Department:
When finishing a strenuous athletic event I eat potato chips and drink diet coke to replenish my salt and electrolytes. When my blood sugar gets to low after exercise I eat dark chocolate M&M’s for a boost. When I tell the doctor of my medications, he turns slowly, walks toward a wall where he gently bounces his head in a rhythmic movement muttering. Not M&M’s…not M&M’s. Of course, what you all are really probably thinking – “He does exercise and strenuous athletic events?”

The biggest effects of the emerging, suffocating Nanny State may be in the ownership and sale of homes. Talk about Big Bro looking over your shoulder.

When I see pics of the Prez standing there with chin up and schnozz in the air, I can only think. “How much time does he spend each day trimming the hair in his nose?”

That “Yellow Line” Showing the first down mark during football contests costs $20,000 per football broadcast. At 16 games a week times sixteen weeks a season the cost of that helpful viewing aid is $5,120,000. For that you could hire 246 - $10/hour coffee shop baristas!

Speaking of spending money for who knows what, how about that government of ours. Since the oil spill, the admin has authorized spending $28 Million to hire and train more oil platform inspectors. maybe they could train baristas.

You may have seen that survey from the editors of Food Network Mag that gives us a list of the five top things chefs across the country hate to eat: Liver, Sea Urchin, Tofu, Eggplant and Oysters. I guess that qualifies me for Chef’s School. Chefs also say they never order chicken and pasta dishes when eating out because it is the most overpriced meal in restaurants. And…a bottle of wine in a typical restaurant costs 2 ½ times more than in a liquor store. I still like chicken and pasta.

RI Governor race Department:
Yesterday it was Caprio and Mesolilla. Today it is Caprio placing the proverbial head of a dead horse in Republican candidate Roubitaille’s bed! Yup, Caprio henchmen went to the GOP leading candidate saying, “We’ll give you anything you want to drop out of the race.” Now to me…that sounds a little like a third world country democracy. Caprio sounds more and more like what has put RI in a hole in the first place. Thuggery in government.

Remember in your school days when some kid was bad the whole class was punished and eventually everybody hated the kids who were in trouble all of the time. Today when something happens to one person or an industry, the ugly specter of abundant lawyers always looms, with the result having everybody paying for an isolated blunder In the form of new unnecessary government regulations. Maybe all of those bad kids grew up to be Lawyers.

While the media is over wrought about the Koran burning, I don’t seem to remember many of them in the 60’s/70‘s being too concerned when “Flag Burning” was a daily event among the emotional anti-war protestor sycophants.

Through the Same Eyes: Chapter 92 continues. –The trooper laughed slightly at my stupid little joke. “Have you noticed anything unusual?”
“I’m not sure, but a silver Volvo came up to my rear very fast, and just before you arrived I saw him turn right into the street where you turned around.” He took out his cell phone and pressed a speed button. “Send out another car,” I heard him start, “We’ll be looking for a silver Volvo…”, he turned to me, “You didn’t happen to get the license?” I told him I thought I saw a WRT followed by some numbers. “She says she thinks she saw WRT at the beginning of the license number.” I started thinking about the mission ahead of me as he finished talking. “Ok,” he said, “Lets go. I’ll follow you into Boston. I think things will be fine now.” I picked up my phone as he walked back to get started.
“Bill Claxton!”
“What’s going on?” I started. “What did Jack say about stopping the financing.”
“His first words were, ‘Have you been talking to Maggie?’.” “I told him no. That I had been talking to our legal department, and was there just to advise him. I felt badly lying to the boss, Maggie. I did. He paused for a minute. “I have to tell you that Jack seemed distant.”
“I’ll be there shortly. With a police escort, I chuckled. I think someone thinks I’m in danger.”
“Be careful boss.”
“Oh, I will. Oh I will…” Billy interrupted.
“Guess who just walked into the board room with Jack…Isabelle and that scientist you know.”

If you’re looking for people to love, look no further than the good folks in the Show Me state, Missouri. In 2008 90% of the voters passed an amendment to the state Constitution making English the official language. No individual has the right to demand a governemtn service in a language other than English (Makes sense – we are an English speaking nation). Also in 2008 a measure was passed requiring the Missouri Highway Patrol and other law people to verify the immigration status of any person arrested. Also, Illegal Immigrants in MO do not have access to taxpayer benefits like food stamps and health care. And all secondary institutions must certify annually that they have not knowingly awarded financial aid to students unlawfully present in the US.

There are a lot of pictures floating around the Internet showing Obama with other people near him saluting or placing their hands over their hearts while a flag passes ort the National Anthem is sung. While he stands with his hands at his side. Have you ever heard him explain his lack of courtesy to the American flag?

Reading Between the Lines Movie Reviews:
--In the French Romantic Comedy “Heartbreaker” a man’s profession is breaking up bad couples – Daughter in love with loser; Sister negated to brute; Best friend dating a jerk. The heart breaker is Alex Lippi and he does his job through seduction! Could be funny.
--Resident Evil: Afterlife is probably better than it sounds. A woman named Alice finds survivors of a deadly virus that turns people into the undead. She leads them to safety, but when she gets to Los Angeles she finds a city overrun with thousands of the undead and she and her companions are about to enter a deadly trap. Sounds weird, but it is well done.

The Answer:
The driving force in the establishment of the new league that would challenge the older and stodgier NFL was Lamar Hunt. He owned the Kansas City Chiefs, the first entry. The other five were the NY Jets, Los Angeles (now San Diego Chargers), Dallas (Now Houston), Houston (Now Tenn) and Oakland.The three NFL teams that came over were Baltimore (Now Indy), Pittsburgh and Cleveland.

The End:
Have a great weekend everybody!

*But, it might be if cheerleading gets through.

Word Play is Punderful.

Today's Tids Issue 2,199
Opening Stuff:

Tis sad to know that some people have never seen the magnificence of dawn.

Many a day I feel like Charlie Brown. Dreaming of things that will never be. Trusting without hesitation. And thinking that a simplified life is a wonderful thing. Fortunately I know no Lucy’s.

Business is having it tough in this uncertain economy. But John Deere has always used sound business policies to keep a steady course even in the roughest times. In fact to keep consumers happy they will stand behind every product…except one. The manure spreader!

The Question:
What is paronomasia? There three ways to practice the art of Paronomasia. What are they?

The Headlines:
--Poll Numbers: 0-Man Dips To Lowest Numbers On Handling Economy At 41% Down From 44% Last Month; 81% Say Economy Poor Up From 72%; But, 75% Agree Unrealistic To Turn Around In 18 Months.
--11/12 Jurors Ready To Convict Blago Of Political Corruption Crime Spree; Mistrial Declared On All Major Counts; Convicted On One Of 24 Counts.
--Five Most Stressful Cities: Las Vegas (Duh), LA, Houston, Tampa, Riverside Cal.
--Barney Frank Wants Fannie And Freddie Abolished.
--Seattle’s Traffic Court “Judge Judy” Suspended Because Of Excessive Insults.
--Found So-Called Terrorist Interrogation Tapes Much Ado About Nothing.
--Despite Growing Concerns About Health Of Economy Markets Edging Up To Achieve Technical Levels.

Back to More Stuff:
An interesting effect of the economy on Dem and Obama popularity and chances for re-election is that of the huge block of Obama student supporters. The wide eyed and idealistic of college days are now in the real world and feel a new, different kind of sense of urgency. He’s going to have to find a he number of illegal aliens to make up for the lost of students.

The Dems and 0 may also have added to their woes with the support of the mosque thing. Most Americans who oppose it (63% of New Yorkers in a new poll today) aren’t disputing that they may have a right under the constitution. They are concerned an=bout the sensitivity of a religion that would mock sacred ground. And to many it looks like Cuomo, Obama and Bloomberg just don’t get it. You saw how fast Harry Reid ran away from it.

Has anyone every coined a better phrase to describe today’s 24 hour news assaults than Shakespeare’s “Much Ado About Nothing”?

An abundance of Government money will generally tend to incubate incurablefraud.

One of the basic rules of clear writing is avoiding the overuse of adverbs. One well chosen verb will always describe the action better. And while we are on the rules of grammar, remember that a double negative is a no-no.

The Tids has been a supporter of a better understanding of puns. This simple yet controversial form of word play and humor has been discussed for centuries. Oscar Levant said: “A pun is the lowest form of humor…when you don’t think of it first.” Ambrose Bierce said: “A form of wit, to which wise men stoop and fools aspire.” But Poe probably got it right: “Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.”

Through the Same Eyes: Chapter 89. –“Listen, Kent, I work for you so you can do whatever you want to do. But, I have to tell you that your boss is on the warpath and it is worrying me.”
Over the year or so since we hired the security firm, I listened patiently to the ego rants of Cotter, but now he was fast becoming my most important ally. And a good guy to have on my side. “I’ll try to get Izzy under control again. But, just do what I say and it will work out just fine.” I had called him to ask that he tell the guard out front that he was closing down the operation and that I was taking Laura. He agreed immediately and quickly saw my reasoning of not telling Isabelle. He was sleazy but he knew how to ally himself. And he taking care of himself was good for me. “Thanks Jason.”
I was about to press the off button when I heard him again, “Kent, I have to warn you about your friend Durham. She is your friend?” I nodded at he phone. He continued. “Isabelle is making noise about permanently getting rid of Sarah Durham. I don’t like it.”
I looked at the phone. Like it was my enemy. “I’ll take care of it. Thanks.” Then I spoke again. Keep me posted about anything to do with Mag…Sarah. Are you still watching her?”
“She spotted us, so my guy turned in the old car and rented a Volvo which seems to fit in better with the neighborhood.”
I hung up. I went into the room where Laura was still sitting staring angrily at the wall. Her head turned. Her eyes seemed blank. “Let’s go.” Her face transformed with a smile that I would never associate with Laura..

Newt Gingrich is becoming a waffler just like all of the rest of them.

It must be something that happens to politicians. The power? Probably. In business it’s called the Peter Principle. In politics it’s the petering out of principles. Did you know that scientists have discovered a parasite that resides in brains of animals and prehistoric remains. And they believe it may still be at work in the brains of humans. Hell, all you have to do is look at Washington DC. You don't need another taxpayer supported grant for that.

The Picasso Exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art In NYC has drawn 700,000 people since the April opening. The lowest attendance baseball team, Cleveland has had just over a million for the same time period. I wonder if you can get a hot dog and a beer at the museum?

It’s not at all surprising to learn that there is a rise in hearing loss among teens. New info has one in twenty with a loss of hearing at some level. Maybe they measured the kids while they had an iPod stuck in their ears.

The Answer:
Paronomasia is the act or practice of “Punning”. There are three kinds of puns: 1. Homographic (Antanaclasis) – Multiple meaning from a single spelling –Eat a pickle; In a pickle. 2. Homophonic (Polyptoton) –Sound alike words with different spelling – Idle and idol. 3. Double Sound – Substituting sounds as in “Knock-Knock” jokes -- “Orange who; Orange you going to open the door. And then there are the different classes of Puns. “Daffynicians – Pasteurize: Too far to see.; “Tom Swifties” – You’re a real zero, Tom said naughtily; “Spoonerisms” – Three cheers for our queer old dean Victoria.; “Signs of the times” – Sign on divorce lawyer’s wall: Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back.; “Definitions” – Egoist: One who is me deep in conversation.; “Palindromes” (Sentence that eads the same both ways) – Madam, I’m Adam.; “On the job” – I used to be a ballet dancer but found it too-too difficult.

As the carpenter said to me…”Bored yet?”

Doin' What Comes Natur'lly.

Today's Tids Issue 2,196
Opening Stuff:

Nervous? On edge? Did you waken under a cloud of doom? Forget about Friday the 13th. It’s just a day. Actually it’s a good thing as it provides me with an easy opening for Today’s mess. Anything that makes my life easier is a good thing. Let’s look at it this way. The Stock Market will probably rebound this morning. Obama may do something stupid which will enhance the opportunity to replace Congress. We in New England are reveling over a pretty good pre-season kick-off for the Pats. Hey, the sun came up, the morning was cool and refreshing and as I walked over to pick up my paper I met a couple of good friends sipping their coffee in the park while walking the dog. And they were loving Friday the 13th morning…just like me.

Ground Zero mosque supporters seem to enjoy calling the 68% of Americans against it (27% for it) intolerant bigots. Jeez, how loving are these upholders of Freedom of Religion…who would probably be first in line to rip the Ten Commandments off the wall of a Court House. But I digress. After looking at pronouncements by Islamic leaders for the last ten or so years, it is fairly apparent that this is a religion that is most intolerant of any on this earth. For one thing, a feeling, loving religion would at least be sensitive to the hurt of the tens of thousands whose lives were destroyed in that hole around the corner.

Stat of the Week Department:
Illegal Aliens now make up 4% of the US population. Illegal Aliens account fro 8% of births in America. Do the math.

The Question:
The great American legend and sharpshooter Annie Oakley was born exactly 150 years ago today. She was made even more famous in a wonderful Broadway Musical and subsequent movie “Annie Get Your Gun”. Name five songs from AGYG.

The Headlines:

--Markets Cautious Before Opening Awaiting Before On Consumer Confidence.
--Germany Growth Pushes Eurozone GDP Rise.
--US Nabs al-Qaida Linked Taliban In Pakistan.
--Russia Plans To Load Fuel Into Iran’s First Nuclear Plant Next Week.
--Explorers/Scientists Pull Wooden Crate Of 100 Year Old Scotch From Arctic Ice.
--Cal Judge Keeps Prop 8 Gay Marriage Ban In Place For Six days Until Appeals Are Exhausted.
--Petraeus Hedges On July 2011 Afghan Pullback Goal.
--Pats Beat Saints 27-14.

Back to More Stuff:

A reader has two words for all of the readers who picked gin or vodka over chocolate – Chocolate Martini.

I may have jumped to conclusions after reading sensationalized headlines with respect to the “Flight Attendant” Jet Blue incident and pulled an Obama. It appears that today many  passengers are coming out against the “nation’s latest folk hero”; calling him outrageous and the obvious instigator of the uproar. But, that doesn’t change my mind about some of the rude selfish slobs masquerading as responsible citizens on airplanes. I still feel for the 99.99% of the attendants who quietly put up with irrational demands and behavior.

The Dalai Lama walked up to the hot dog vendor and said “Make me one with everything.”

Anything that smacks of alternative energy is so titillating to many that they forget about common sense and reason. For instance, the Pols in RI jumped aboard deep water windmill farms that would destroy the horizon of RI waters…and produce energy at a cost of 24.4 cents/KWH versus the current 9.5 cents. (And a promise to increase the wind power costs by 3.5 cents each year thereafter.) Lunacy. But, that seems to be the national trend these days.

I have it on expert authority that the best coffee across this great country of ours is Ocean State Roaster’s coffee as served at Jonathon’s Café in Newport RI.

Through the same eyes: Chapter 88: --It was only about ten minutes later when I heard a car slowly coming up the Whitaker’s gravel driveway. My heart leapt. I couldn’t freeze, not now. I darted across thee perfect lawn into a small but thick wooded area to the right of the yard. Within seconds of turning around, I saw Henry’s police car pull into the large turnaround area in front of the garage. Before I could shout, the front passenger side door popped open and Paul jumped out. He looked panicked. His head darted from my parked car to the yard and back woods. And then to Henry, “Where…” Before he finished I jumped and ran towards him.
“Paul, I’m here. I’m ok.” His head turned towards me and I saw an amazing look of loving relief cross his face. Some deep inside of me forced a stream of tears to flow down my cheeks as I now ran even faster towards him. And the huge arms enveloped my body. I never felt so safe. So loved. I just stood there. Molded to his body and strength.
“Sarah”. He didn’t say anything more. Because he was now crying too. Neither of us moved.
My head turned a little and I saw Henry standing there looking at our love. There was a beautiful, fatherly smile on his face. I knew he wanted to move us on. But, I think he sensed something important going on between two people. In love?

The US used to be a pretty civil place before magic markers, before protestors learned how to print.

Did you hear about the two antennas who got married? The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was great.

Reading Between the Lines Movie Reviews:
Mediocrity reigns this week in movie-land with three that could find strong niche followings none of which would include me.
--Eat, Pray, Love is in fact a beautifully filmed, aging gracefully vehicle for Julia Robert’s next career as an older woman. She is a writer touring the world in search of what’s missing in her life in this “Under the Tuscan Sun” wanabee that is much too long and with too thin a plot. Woman will enjoy her journey. RI actor Richard Jenkins is outstanding.
--Scott Pilgrim will captivate teens with a knack for gaming. The film cleverly replicates a comic book delivery with word balloons and other illustrative techniques.
--The Expendables brings us back to muscle bound shoot em’ up action thrillers of the 80’s. In this one Sylvester Stallone is back with rippling biceps and in no holds barred attack mode as he and a bunch of testosterone laden pals bring down a South American drug lord dictator. But, it’s more about tattoos and abs. So much so that one scene of no relevancy brings together Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger. It’s nostalgia trip, pure and simple.
--But! There is one film out there that may be worth seeing. It is an biographical movie about Joan Rivers. Yes that Joan Rivers. The funny lady with the tragic life. It is far from a puff piece as Joan in an act of bravery well beyond anything that may come from Stallone…removes her make-up. And the camera shoots it all. It is a brilliant film that shows vividly the real extraordinarily completive world of entertainment. Check this one out.

The Jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender looked at him and said, “I’ll serve you but don’t start anything.”

The Answer:
This is one of my all time favorite musicals. It’s a pretty good romantic tale, and the music as all hummable. With good lyrics as well. How about “There’s Now Business Like Show Business”, “Anything You Can Do”, “I Got he Sun in the Morning”, “The Girl That I Marry”, “Din What Comes Natur’lly” and “You Can’t Get a Man With a Gun”.

The Big Finale:

“The politics, the ocean, the novel, the puns…The readers who lift you up when you’re down; // The questions, the poetry, the heart strings, the news…The Dems who want to run you out of town. // The morning when your heart beats like a drum…Those closings when everything seems so dumb // There’s no business like Tids business like no business I know; Everything about it is fulfilling, But best are those who tell me Wow! // So here am I, stealing that extra bow!” (Stolen and paraphrased from There’s no business like Show Business.)

Thanks for being out there and occasionally opening up this thing.