The Joke’s on us.

Today's Tids Issue 2,217

Opening Stuff:

I guess the reason Jon Stuart and other comedians have become active in the political progress is because they thought Congress was part of their union too. At San Fran’s Hungry I we hear Nancy Pelosi crack up the sheep, “We have to pass this bill so we find out what’s in it!” LOL. Tears in eyes. God, these jokers are good. And then over in LV on the big sate of New York, New York the Reidman is saying, “All taxes are voluntary!” God, I’m laughing so hard it’s killing me.

India, Russia and Germany’s swift and utter rejection of Geithner’s “Proposal for numerical targets for sustainable trade surpluses and deficits (Which would greatly favor the US growing deficit) is just the latest example of how in the old world where the US got what the US wanted is a world that has passed us by. We seem to be just another player among the major economic players.

The riots in France and Greece and other socialist countries show clearly that the entire idea of entitlements is a bad one. People who get fired from jobs don’t get anywhere as angry as those who have taken away something they never earned in the first place.

The Question:
First! I have to give you the answer to yesterday’s Bonus Q. (I forgot it in the answer segment) The 1st newspaper to announce the bombing of Pearl Harbor was the Westerly (RI) Sun which came out with the full story Sunday afternoon. Charles Utter, the long time Editor, was a member of a religion called the 7th Day Baptists who in 1679 broke away fro the original Roger Williams Baptist Church so they could worship on Saturday! Thus they were at work early Sunday Morning. Today’s Question: There are many jokes about husband’s mothers-in-law, but the wives may be suffering more. Wives were asked if they would rather see their mother-in-law or go to a gynecologist, stay home and clean house, do jury duty, do taxes or have a root canal. What do you think are the percentages for each?

The Headlines:

--Misinterpretation Of Mayan Calendar Postpones “End Of Earth” Indefinitely.
--Toyota Recalling 1.53 Million Lexus, Avalon and Other Models For Brake Fluid And Fuel Pump Problems.
--Positive Earning’s reports From US Companies Have World Stocks Surging.
--9th Circuit court: Keep “Don’t Ask…” As Is.
--Stewie, Worlds Longest Cat, Is Purr-fect 4 Feet From Nose To Tail Bone.
--Nokia Cuttin 1,800 Jobs Following String Q3 Report.

Back to More Stuff:
Did you happen to see the septic tank truck with the sign on its side that said “Yesterday’s meals on wheels.” Or at church, “7 Day’s without God makes one Weak.” And of course the Plumber, “Don’t sleep with a drip; call your plumber.”

You want to hear drivel? I’ll tell you where you can hear drivel. It’s on the Larry King Show with a fawning LK interviewing Jon Stuart on the ills of the Tea Party.

Every time the US Auto Industry needs a boost, Toyota issues a major recall. What a great marketing plan.

The hardest days of the beautiful Fall months is “Bye Week”.

Jeez, was last week’s Pick-em’ Spot awful. I have not seen as unpredictable season as this in along time. This week, the hot TV game is between the Giants and the “expert’s” fave, the 1-4 Cowboys. I’m saying the Cowboys go 1-5 as the Giant’s “D” keeps room a roamin’ out of the pocket. I’ also can’t go against what looks like my rejuvenated Pats team. They are playing with the vigor and guts they showed in the early 2000’s. On the rest for the most part, I’m going home team in this any team can win season. So the winners are Balt, Chi, Atlanta, Tenn, Pitt, TB, NO, KC, SF, Seattle, Denver and GB. Last week another mediocre 7-7 bringing the year to 57-33. Will this be the comeback week? I have no way of telling.

The thing that has bothered me most over the years about the New England Patriots is watching Jonathon, Myra and Robert Kraft give each other “High Fives” at the end of victories. They just look like people out of touch trying to look like Joe Lunchpail. And, frankly, I feel the same way about myself when I am forced into returning a high five.

Sign over a Gynecologist’s office “Doctor Johnson at your cervix.” And the the sign on the door to the maternity delivery room: “Push, Push, Push.”

The Answer:
51% of wives would rather to housework than sit before the throne of Mom-In-Law. In fact many wives call her Monster-in-law. 36% would take the gynecologist, 30% jury duty, 28% taxes and root canal. But, it is even worse than that. 76% said they would never take parenting advice from m-o-l, 83% would never ask for relationship advice and 94% would seek sex life advice. Which actually makes a lot of sense.

The End:
Really, what wouold be the difference if trained comedians ran the government instead of elected comedians. At least, press conferences would be funny. And how about ta laugh riot State of the Union. The Justices would be rolling on the floor!

A sunny start.

Today's Tids Issue (#2K148)
Opening Stuff:

Standing on a hilltop over looking Jamestown isle and the sea around. The morning sun oozing out of the crystalline blue ocean. Emitting reds and pinks beneath a powder blue sky. Birds flit about fields of waving yellow daisies. Comfortable Belted Galloway cattle dot the green with black and white. Their ears perking to the creaking sound of an old, weathered, grey shingled wind mill. Where once hardy famers milled their grains. And in the distance, peeking above wind rattled maple and elm trees, a sturdy white church spire that has withstood the wrath of natures windswept seas. And it says this morning…All is right in the world today.

This is that time of year when some people actually think that everybody else wants to hear the music in their car.

Sign seen at huge Chicago Tea Party Rally: “I listed the federal Government as a dependent on my tax return this year’.

The Question:
As you contemplate dipping your toes in the Ocean this summer, tell me of the ten scariest and most dangerous sea creatures.

The Headlines:
--Stock Market Higher On Positive Bernanke Comments.
--Hungary PM Says He Will Cut Public Wages, Overhaul Tax System And Ban Mortgage Lending In Foreign Currencies.
--Van der Shoot Confesses To Murder Of Peru Women; Holloways Hoping For More Details On daughter’s Death
--China Says It Will Continue To Keep Tight Grip On Available Internet Content.
--Primaries IN Nevada And Cal Will Determine Opponents for Reid and Boxer.
--Congress Irate That CIA Has Not Had Watchdog In Place For More Than A Year.

Back to More Stuff:

Excuse for next doctor’s appointment:
I have metal fillings in my teeth so the refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the Kitchen. That’s why I can’t lose weight. Works for me.

The country would probably be a better place if we went back to the idea of local banking. You know, when the banker actually knew something about the person with whom they were dealing – good or bad.

You probably don’t know the name Jack Harrison. He was a Brit who along with 200 others hoped to gain freedom from a “Stalag” wide plot that produced tunnels of freedom. Only 76 prisoners made it. But it was considered a huge moral victory and is immortalized in the 1963 movie starring Steve McQueen and James Garner – The Great E3scape. You may want to rent it and remember the fifty captured escapees who were murdered on the direct orders of an embarrassed Adolph Hitler. Harrison was one of the 124 who never made it out before the discovery. He quickly had to change out of his disguise and back into his prison uniform to survive.

New research that says pedestrians in crosswalks are much more like to be killed or injured than jaywalkers supports the Tids on-gong war against “entitled’ pedestrian arrogance. Government crosswalks are a classic example of how too much government involvement can suck the responsibility gene out of people. Crosswalks turn nice people into power mad aggressors who continually stare down and stop long lines of traffic for their personal gain. Or consider this latest of Big G entitlements a new license to be stupid. While creative Jaywlakers think for themselves and get safely across.

If the Chicago Blackhawks win one more game, you can expect perhaps the biggest ever sports celebration in US history. These mightiest of hockey fans have been waiting 48 years for a Stanley Cup repeat – the longest drought in the league. Maybe this member of the Original Six (Montreal, Boston, Detroit, Toronto, New York) can pave the way for the Chicago Cubs who have been waiting for 98 years! I’m all the way with Chi!

Through the Same Eyes: Chapter 76. --“The Jacoby woman has been neutralized.” The words of my friend Jason seemed so sterile. “We made it look like an aggressive kidnapping.” The fools I thought. They’re just calling attention to Laura. Arousing new suspensions. I didn’t say anything. Jason continued. “We know that the FBI was at LH&R a good part of the day. You friend Durham left early, but as you told us she may be headed out early because of her rehab.” Maybe I could contribute her rehab, I smiled.
“Keep an eye on her.” I think I will call her cell and try to meet her when she arrives back in Fosterville, I thought. “Anything else.”
“Just that my guy saw the sheriff at Laura’s house, and he came out in a bit of a huff. That is uncharacteristic for that old geezer.”
“I’ll check him out. Keep up the fine sleuthing. Let me know where Sarah goes.”
“Ok, boss.” He said sarcastically and hung up.
I dialed Sarah’s phone. I decided that I’ll test her a little. If Jason’s guy can give me her actual movements and she misrepresents hers in conflict with that, then I may have to do more that just sleep with Sarah/Maggie to keep her under control. She is too smart. And something just didn’t seem right when she left the last time. “Hi Sarah, it’s me” I said when she answered.
“Oh Kent, what a lovely surprise. I have been with our legal people all day and I needed to hear your voice.” What legal people I thought?
“That is nice to hear”, I answered in one of my more engaging voices.” You know what your voice does to me. “Where are you anyhow?”
“Oh, I have just broken free from the clutches of Boston and am flying towards Acton.”
“I see. Coming back up to Fosterville then? Would you like to stop off at my house.” There was silence.
“Yes I am, but unfortunately I have to get home to Jill who has not been feeling well. But, I can promise you that by the time I reach the town limits my resistance may be down. Especially if I think of you for the rest of the ride. You know how weak I am! You know how you affect my body.”
“I’ll await your change of heart as I think of kissing you between your legs.” I hung up before she could reply. And dialed Henry.

How to go crazy at home or look weird in the Office Department:
A good reader sent this little exercise which was designed by an orthopedic surgeon. 1. While sitting at your desk before you computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. You can do it over again but you will never beat it. Hey, it’s better than watching the Government at work!

The Answer:
Number 10 is the Moray Eel. 9. Sea Lion (Surprise) 8. Sting Rays 7. Saltwater Crocs 6. Lion Fish (Pretty but deadly to touch.) 5. Sea Snakes 4. Puffer Fish 3. Stone Fish (Most toxic in world) 2. Tiger Sharks And the number 1 scariest sea creature is the Box Jellyfish (Kills Hundreds each year! Don’t accept free vacation to Philippines.)

The End:
The mind works better on cool, brisk, sunny days.

Of course my biggest problem with the circling foot test is determining which way is clockwise.

Languishing is good.

Today's Tids Issue 2,090
Opening Stuff

Today, I think I will just languish. My mind needs a rest.

I am officially declaring that as of last night I stopped reading anything about Tiger Woods and The Masters.

The Question:
 What are the top rated TV shows in money earned? What are the top rated shows to date?

The Headlines:
--New Virus Enables Hackers To Steal Facebook Members’ Financial Passwords.
--European Stocks Slip As Potential For Greek Rescue Dims.
--Iraqi Election Results To Close To Call After 83% of Vote Counted.
--Kucinich Caves To Obama Pressure; Or Was It A bribe?
--CIA Says al-Qaida Leaders Forced Into Hiding Are Ineffective In Waging Their War.
--Fargo Residents Display Their Toughness Yet Another Spring.
--Dem Fence Sitters Trying To Rationalize Flip-Flop On HC Vote.
--US Urging China Cooperation Against Iran.
--Feds Bank Auditors Paid Big Bonuses During Go-Go Real Estate Bonanza.
--NCAA Tournament Begins Today.

Back to More Stuff:

Something is wrong in AI rating’s Land. Why else would Seacrest get in Cowells face. It’s the old sports Coach/Manager ploy – Get thrown out of the game to stimulate the troops.

And then – you have to wonder why for two weeks in a row American Idol’s Seacrest has failed to reveal the voting totals. Usually that has been a highlight of their boasting. So, maybe the votes are way down and people have lost interest in a show that has become repetitious. Or maybe they just miss Paula and hate Ellen. Personally I like some of the current bunch quite a bit. I was bummed at the dismissal of Lacy, when the very mediocre Tim was available for booting. My top tier is Syobhan, Chrystal, Katie, Aaron, Didi and Lee. Maybe it’s because I think they’ll be more apt to sing the kind of music I like.

The sooner people learn that the word entitlement is nowhere to be found in the constitution, the better the possibility that the US has a chance of returning to greatness.

The Tid’s NCAA Picks Department:
Here’s my Final Four – I picked on the basis that none of the big powers are as dominant as the ratings may imply. Oh there are good teams and bad teams as usual, but this year, the so-called good teams can be beaten by more so-called average teams than usual. Does this mean that Lehigh U has a shot at the Final Four? Probably not. Roll the drums Bracketman – The Sixteen: Kansas, Maryland, G-Town, The Ohio State, Cuse, UTEP, Pitt, Kansas State, Kentucky, Temple, Marquette, West “By God”, Louisville, Tex A&M, Baylor, Villanova. The Eight: Maryland, The OSU, Syr, Pitt, Kty, WV, Lou, Vil. The Four: The OSU, Syr, WV, Vill. The Two: Syracuse, WV. The One: West “By God” Virginia. I don’t stand a chance.

Through the Same Eyes: Chapter 60 continues. –Kent seemed to like his stage. He assured us that the experiments with the teens had not gotten to the point where there could have been some real danger. Most of what had happened was a long series of complex base line measurements of human DNA and cells from key areas critical to our product development. He pretty much directed his words to Izzy, but turned to me when he mentioned how important Paul’s company had become in their development program. I started to feel that perhaps he didn’t think he had to explain himself to me. That maybe he thought I was much to in love with him to protest.
“What is the status of the Bromsky team” I asked sharply. Maybe too sharply. Or maybe to remind him that I’m a pretty good financial manager too. He looked at me for a good 10 seconds. It was that intimidating look that I know he uses effectively in his meetings. Then he smiled just a little. It made me feel a little better. I hated this line I was walking. I have never had this complication ever before. It wasn’t me at all.
“We have interviewed them all thoroughly. I was personally involved. My big concern,” now he was himself and confident. “…my concern is that if these people lack the ethical judgment to get involved in secret human testing, how can this company trust them if we let them all go…or keep them.”
“What do you plan to do, Kill them,” I joked. He didn’t laugh.

The headline read, “Experts Debate Dangers of Wearing Popular Sheepskin Boots.”. I’m thinking some cuddly lamb lovers are starting a Public Relations campaign to slow the killing of these curly haired animals with the mesmerizing eyes. Of course, they are talking about Uggs and cheap imitations. And you may know that Uggs were first promoted to America by Rush Limbaugh, so his general dismissal of the animal crowd fits too. But, the story has nothing to do with sheepskin at all. It’s about the movement of the foot inside a loose fitting boot that has the critics in arousal. But then, maybe this is a subliminal ploy to slow down the killing of the lammykins. Or am I just paranoid about underlying motives of journalists.

After watching Orianthi as a guest superstar On AI last night, I was ready to call in to vote her off. Today’s singers are more about glitz than singing. It all goes back to Elvis who changed the way people look at entertainers -- A good wiggler doesn’t have to be a great warbler.

Hillary looked angry a couple of nights ago. Her visual venom was the result, it is said, of being asked to tone down her rhetoric against the so-called Israel poke in the American eye fiasco. That reminded a man I know of a story he was told by ex-Nebraska Senator Bob Kerry. During Netanyahu’s first reign, Kerry was peppering him in public with a series of questions that Bibi had no intention of answering. Upon returning home, Kerry’s first phone call came from his biggest financial backer warning him to lay off the PM. Apparently Netanyahu had called the backer saying that Kerry was crossing the line. The conservative Jewish organization is extremely well organized and a powerful lobby. People in the US Government tend to listen.

People have been borrowing casually on credit cards for so long that the word “Budget” has lost its meaning especially to people who think they are entitled to something.

Detroit probably looks more like Haiti than any other US city. And, probably has less cause for hope than the devastated island. Yesterday the City closed 44 schools.

The Answer:
The Tids reported last week that the future of “24” maybe in doubt as ratings decline. But, when it comes to money earned for the Networks “24” is #3! The top five are American idol, 2 ½ Men, 24, Grey’s Anatomy and “V”. The top rated shows to date are AI Tuesday, AI Wednesday, NCIS, Sunday Night Football, Dancing With Stars, Undercover Boss, The Mentalist, NCIS: La, Dancing Results and CSI.

The End:

So, the good news is that “24” has a chance of hanging in there. The bad news is that there is a rumor that Fox may hand it off to NBC who will have Jack Bauer singing Kumbaya after voting for Obama. And that his main mission will be trying to win the Peace Prize.
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