Today's Tids Issue 2,748
Opening Stuff:
 
I had to love the line from Downton Abbey: "Vulgarity is no substitute for wit." Do we laugh at cleverness any more, or are we just persuaded by laugh tracks that seem to turn crassness into some form of humor that is foreign to me. Have we lowered the standards for comedic writers by rewarding comedians for their fame over their inventiveness. Maybe it's been that way longer than I'm willing to admit. Did people laugh at Milton Berle because humans need laughter in their hearts and he was the only show on TV, or because he was funny?

I remember back in the formative days of my youth, one of the slogans of the day was "Crime doesn't Pay". Nowadays we see cheaters winning all of the time -- in politics, business and sports. "Getting away with it" is the new mantra. Circumventing the intent of laws is the new legal challenge. Ethics is becoming too much of an afterthought as opposed to a primary guide. And now we have Lance Armstrong confessing in is what most possibly another money making gig, cashing in on his cheating.

Sign seen in front of a Church: "There are some questions that can't be answered by Google.".

The Question:
Give me five reasons why Lance Armstrong is supposedly confessing now on Oprah.

The Headlines:
--"O" To Cajole On Guns Today; Using Children As Props.
--Single Home Construction Hits Seven Year Confidence High.
--Ken Salazar, Interior Secretary, Latest In Cabinet To Resign; Will Be Out By March.
--Apple Regains Yesterday's Loss; Some Technical Observers See Possible Fall To $350.
--Snow, Sleet, Freezing Roads Tie Up Northeast.
--Syria Forces Retaliate Against "Terrorist" Rebels After University Attack That Killed 87.
--Pakistan Digs In Against Demands Of Muslim Cleric.
--Islamists Attack Algerian Oil Field; Kill, Kidnap Foreigners.
--Dozens From NY Metro Five Organized Crime Families Rounded Up In Extortion, Loan Sharking Scheme; Local Garbage Haulers Targets.
--Lance Confession Raking In Big Ad Bucks For Struggling OWN.

Four years ago 0-Woman began her road to 1st Lady fame with a veggie garden in the rear of the White House...symbolic of her war against obesity. Yesterday, the WSJ had a very good idea for her second term -- bring fathers back into families. Statistics show that the absence of a dad is one of the biggest, acknowledged problems facing struggling low income families. 26% of all households have a single parent. That is 72% for black households. Intense studies who that children with  two parents have a far better chance fo rising above. The household income for 2-parent families is $80K; for 1 parent - $24K. It has also been exhaustively proven that money doesn't improve education results, parents do. So Michelle, I think, this is a great objective for you, and if successful maybe the biggest contribution that any first lady ever has given to America. Who knows, maybe more stable households will reduce binge eating too.

There's something about Rory McElroy becoming another Nike Boy that has defeated my enthusiasm for him. A swoosh for cryin' out loud. It is so not Irish. Northern or not.

Seinfeld will live on, because it was genuinely funny, and would have been so without riotous audience simulation.

If Michelle O takes on the single parent problem, she will be the first Obama ever to accept a tough challenge and do something about it.

Have you noticed that those nightly TV gossip shows in their effort to promote viewership, take an innocuous headline and insert the word "controversy" after it.

0-Man has to love the French for attacking al-Qaida in Mali. And he has to love the gun control enigma giving him another chance to deride the Repubs while also obscuring the real problems in America..

I watched Adam Sandler receive a People's Choice award and then read a written acknowledgement, which he himself said was very funny, yet only elicited nervous laughter from a traditionally "Easy" bedazzled audience. I actually felt sorry for him, because it was that bad, that unfunny. Now I know why trailers for his sophomoric, often vulgar films look so bad -- they are! This now from an observer who a month or so ago after watching the SNL Christmas, thought Sandler was the funniest part of the show. Maybe that was his apex.

The Controller of the Currency in it's Quarterly Report has fired a warning shot across the bow of four banks -- G-S, BoA, Citi, JPM -- with regard to their dangerously out-of-balance derivatives portfolios. For instance, G-S has assets of about $114.7 Billion and derivative exposure of $41.6 Trillion. That is not a typo. If you like nervous tap dancing, watch Wall Street in 2013. And be alert.

The Conscience: Chapter 12 concluding.
   "So, I said now gingerly walking a fine line, you don't think this feud, whatever it is, could ever lead to sabotage?  
     She barely nodded, but she did nod. She tried to look a bit insulted, but this time I knew she was delaying. "I believe the feud is deeper than what my parents have told me. Like you have said, I must agree also that it seems not like competitive differences in the past." Her lip line moved slightly towards a smile. One of those believable, tight clenched lips smiles. "I did not live through the early days before their was resentment between us. I mean My family and your boss. Not us."
   I didn't smile or react. Nor did my hand jump towards the martini glass. I interpreted the meaning of words my way. "Ok, I am truly the naive person in this affair. You are certainly one of the most knowledgeable...about everything, except this anger between the two groups. You and I must battle beneath. Yet you are a integral part of one group while I am just a hired hand. A day worker picked off the unemployment pile. You could tell me more about Jason and Wu. The Jason I knew was an affable bigot, if that makes sense at all?"
  "Affable has never equaled goodness. Look at our politicians!" She burst into an enormous smile. I couldn't stop myself from following. This time my steel barrier broke down.
   "Maybe," I finally said after savoring her delight, "maybe we should be working closer together." I paused to watch her. It was her turn not to react. But her pause made me believe she was thinking about what I had said. My thoughts were interrupted by an amazing aroma arising from a magnificent plate of pasta quietly inserted on the table before me. Now I had to fight dual infatuations.

The Answer:
1. He cannot be tried for perjury now that the statute of limitations has run out. 2. He has realized he has lost the denial wars and it's time to repair the legacy -- become the "Hero" who cleaned up the sport!. 3. He wants to compete again, so he needs to get the "banned for life" lifted. Yet, if he does get it lifted today, he still must wait 8 years to race again --- at 50. 4. His lawyers say Ok, with respect to various old money making contracts.  5. He is truly remorseful, and wants to make amends to former friends who he sued, threatened and intimidated. So it all boils down to -- is this a confession or a new strategy? And, besides, Oprah needs viewers.

Bill Mahr would like to think he is Will Rogers, but he has too much acid in his soul.