Today 's Tids Issue 4,999
Count down to winter:
The stock market sucks. That’s no way to start a joyous 4,999th issue. But life just does that to you sometimes. And the stock market will be on the sucking side for a while and my Tums budget will be severely damaged.
And the Tids has always been PG rated.
One of the first ever puns in the Tids: “A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!
New modern phrases that always make me laugh: “He was an aspiring Social Media star. I’m an aspiring highly paid movie screen writer.
The Question:
Who was the VP, Speaker of the Housse and Seante Majority leader in 2002.
The Headlines:
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Among all of the strange mass hysteria movemets I have witnessed since this mess began 20 years ago, I have to say one of the nuttiest mantras of them all is: “Defund the Police>”
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
The first couple of nights for the new season of The Voice had some pretty good singers and most important a nice variety of genres. There is hope. I won’t start boring you with opinions on this for a while. So, you can relax. Or perhaps you thought -- After he reaches 5K, maybe we won’t have to endure Voice wrap ups any more. Fagetaboutit.
Another of the earliest Puns: The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out. The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests.... instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Yikes!
In a couple of weeks New Englanders and maybe many in the sprots world across the NFL Nation will be looking forward to the Tampa Bay- New England Pats game. But here is what is bugging me. Some “Pat’s Fans” are saying they are rooting for Tom Brady to have a good day. A true fan never leaves his or her beloveds. I will be there for the Pats and looking for the big upset.
Tom Brady’s dad should stop taking interviews.
I only go to grocery stores that still use plastic bags, Except when the paper bag stores have special sales on Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi.
I most always go into a restaurant and ask for a Diet Coke. A waitress will most always say if no DC is available, “Is diet Pepsi ok?” I respond, Why don’t you ever have such caring feelings for Diet Coke?
One of my most enjoyable Tids was called, “The Patriots Versus Mount Dora Florida. It was written on January 22, 2002. It was about my attempt to listen to the game that made the Pats what they were to become, while walking around that quaint tourist town trying to appear interested in antique lampshades, The Pats beat Pittsburgh that wonderful Sunday when Bledsoe came in after Brady went down and brought us to the win that put us in that first TB Super Bowl. But here’s the dilemma. How do you enjoy such a momentous victory when nobody there cared? How do you go up to man or woman shouting, Great Game! – with a smile as wide as Narragansett Bay. My daughter liked that Tids too. She set it in type, designed to look like a newspaper page, and frame it I almost look professional., It hangs behind me while I’m sitting at this laptop producing typos every morning.
The Answer:
I was trying to think of a question that harkened back to the early days of Tids. Obviously, I didn’t think hard enough. I was going to ask who were the top Pop singers, but I hadn’t heard of any of them. So I came up with this loser Q. VP was Dick Cheney, Speaker was the now seriously disgraced Dennis Hastert. Dem Tom Daschle started the year and Repub Trent Lott world become Leader after the strong showing by Repubs in November 2002.
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Yes, somehow all of you got past that phase of Tidsing.
Happy First day of Autumn, E-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y!!
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